My son turned nine ten days ago. My dear Duncan has grown up before my eyes. Nine years seem to last minutes; seconds. Every last moment we've had together, and now, he seems older...larger...a bit more ready to be on his own. He's a beautiful boy. Gorgeous, really. The nicest person I know. And he always will be, I have complete faith in the fact that he will be the nicest person anyone knows, everywhere he goes. It's strange to look at him sometimes. The last decade has had ups and downs...were there enough ups to round out the downs? Did I do my job well enough? His childhood rests behind him...basically over...was it good enough? Fun enough? There are all of those things that we just didn't get to; projects piling up in the corners. Did he want to play baseball again? I forget...because time, time is not on our side. As we want these moments, these tiny faces to stay...tiny; instead the moments surge and the faces change so quickly, so consistently, we barely notice them changing at all.
It's a hard emotion to reconcile. We want our children to grow and thrive, we want them to achieve independence, we want healthy grown children. But wouldn't it be nice if we could just slow the process, take a deep breath and let it last a bit longer. Someday the tiny finger prints will be long gone, the spilled juice, there will no longer be a thousand stray Cheerios under every piece of furniture, the toys will be boxed away. But, I'll still have my Duncan. He'll be taller, and wider, and hairier...but he'll always be my baby boy.
And I'll remember all things Duncan.
Duncan dressing up in a full three piece suit on a ninety degree day. Duncan inventing countless useful contraptions. Duncan's briefcase. Duncan's office. Duncan's homemade business cards. Sunbutter and jelly sandwiches. Water with no ice. Duncan hats. Little Duncan. Super Duncan. Space Duncan. Spider- Duncan. Indiana Jones. Bananas. The smell of his thick beautiful hair after playing outside, the literal twinkle in his eyes. His ‘comfortable spot’. The way he still seems to fit just perfectly behind my knees while we’re watching a movie on the couch…no matter how big he gets.
