Dunc and I were on the deck working on a book he's writing and I was thinking about finishing a few dresses. I walk in the house to check on Lyric and she is standing on the counter with hershey kisses SHOVED in her mouth. In the time (literally three minutes) I went out to help Duncan with his book cover she decided to climb the drawers to get onto the counter, eat SEVEN kisses, shove the wrappers into a box in the cabinet, and hide her binky next to the bag of kisses. When I came in I just looked at her in astonishment...to which she replied, with a very large smile and chocolaty kiss coming out of her mouth, "Srrry Momm". Oh toddlers!!!

We are the music makers...the dreamers of dreams.

Our family has joined The Performing Arts Academy of Central Illinois. Duncan is taking acting and musical theater, Nitely is taking Gymnastics, Tap, Ballet, and Acting. Lyric is taking Gymnastics. I'm taking Ballet and Glee. It has turned out to be very busy, but also very, very fun! The kids are enjoying themselves immensely and I am too. I always take my hula-hoop to get in some hooping time while the kids are in classes. I'm fairly sure my kids are naturals at this.

And then...you put your whole soul into something...like writhing on some black ill-lit stage somewhere...and it's all so desperate, so hopeful, and so humiliating. There has to be humiliation there...like you've turned yourself inside out; and you stand there or lie there or move frantically around while the inside of yourself prances and howls and screams and cries tears no one was ever meant to see or hear or know.

In my mind, I have complete faith in the abilities of my children. Though challenges are present, they will prevail. They are beautifully intelligent kids, they've got great brains! Nitely could very easily be a dancer. She's absolutely a natural. Duncan could go on to become a famous comedian or an amazing theater actor. I'm so happy to have the opportunity to enrich their lives in this way. ♥

We spent labor day weekend at home. We cleaned out corners, tie-dyed together, Thomas and Duncan made and painted a rocket. We spent most of our time outside. I made the first batch of chili for the year and we sat around a peaceful fire eating chili, crackers, marshmallows, and having a lovely time. My favorite times are when the five of us are together relaxing and just being together. These days it seems harder to achieve these moments as a family. Thank goodness for vacations from work and play! ♥

My son turned nine ten days ago. My dear Duncan has grown up before my eyes. Nine years seem to last minutes; seconds. Every last moment we've had together, and now, he seems older...larger...a bit more ready to be on his own. He's a beautiful boy. Gorgeous, really. The nicest person I know. And he always will be, I have complete faith in the fact that he will be the nicest person anyone knows, everywhere he goes. It's strange to look at him sometimes. The last decade has had ups and downs...were there enough ups to round out the downs? Did I do my job well enough? His childhood rests behind him...basically over...was it good enough? Fun enough? There are all of those things that we just didn't get to; projects piling up in the corners. Did he want to play baseball again? I forget...because time, time is not on our side. As we want these moments, these tiny faces to stay...tiny; instead the moments surge and the faces change so quickly, so consistently, we barely notice them changing at all.

It's a hard emotion to reconcile. We want our children to grow and thrive, we want them to achieve independence, we want healthy grown children. But wouldn't it be nice if we could just slow the process, take a deep breath and let it last a bit longer. Someday the tiny finger prints will be long gone, the spilled juice, there will no longer be a thousand stray Cheerios under every piece of furniture, the toys will be boxed away. But, I'll still have my Duncan. He'll be taller, and wider, and hairier...but he'll always be my baby boy.

And I'll remember all things Duncan.

Duncan dressing up in a full three piece suit on a ninety degree day. Duncan inventing countless useful contraptions. Duncan's briefcase. Duncan's office. Duncan's homemade business cards. Sunbutter and jelly sandwiches. Water with no ice. Duncan hats. Little Duncan. Super Duncan. Space Duncan. Spider- Duncan. Indiana Jones. Bananas. The smell of his thick beautiful hair after playing outside, the literal twinkle in his eyes. His ‘comfortable spot’. The way he still seems to fit just perfectly behind my knees while we’re watching a movie on the couch…no matter how big he gets.

Heat. Hot sweat. Dripping. Melting cheese on sidewalks. Swimming in blue pool. Rain. Hula hooping. Sugar Creek Arts Festival. Shakespeare Festival. Day trip to Springfield. Orange juice. Kombucha. Hamster. Green Scouts. Concert on the quad. Duncan will be nine in three weeks. He's obsessed with Jazz, trumpets, and drawing. Homeschooling. Nitely will be five before we know it. She loves dressing up and dresses and painting her nails, having her hair done. She's beautiful...and she loves to be beautiful. Hottest summer on record; seriously. Purple hair. Painting. Lyric is two. She is a very curious, sweet, adventurous baby. She has CURLY hair. It generally puffs in the humidity. She's such a nice baby. She loves baby dolls, strollers, and purses. She loves Strawberry Shortcake and Sesame Street. Gardening. Tomatoes. Summer, summer, summer!!!

Your words fall,
like leaves to the ground.
Fluttering never making a sound.

The strangest way you seem sad when you're angry,
your breath becomes apathy,
you'd be better off not breathing at all.

What is worth knowing?
What is worth doing?
What kind of person is worth becoming?

The Losing of You

I….begged for a breath,
I begged u to let….
Me breathe.

I screamed silent screams,
Through desperate dreams,
Please let me be


Midnight summer winds,
Breaking the losing before the win
Manic delirium to find the end.

But here you are around the bend, again

There always seems to be a fall,
When there was only never at all…
The choices we make, when the chance to choose has been taken away.

My eyes wide awake.
Unhinged from the raising the stakes…
The losing of you,
Rings loud and blue.

The aching is true…

The losing of you…

The losing of you.

And they celebrated the anniversary of their independence...

On this, the day we celebrate our independence, while the world is still at war; There was peace here and friends to laugh with, corn to munch, games to play, silliness to have. I am thankful for the freedoms we do have. I am grateful for the opportunities to know better...to be better.

Tiny maple tree. I hold my hand to thee. From the sky you fall. And make your home here with us, all.

This spring as the ground warmed, small-ish trees appeared again. Many made our garden home. Ask anyone, I'd plant a billion trees if I could. We'll have to settle for three. My dear husband planted our tiny trees for us, one for each of our beautiful children. Love trees, all things. ♥

calling

"I've come here to this place to speak truths. Because, we vigil for a great war; a war many of us rarely know we are fighting.
It's the front lines, here, in our souls; our hearts. And it is apparent, every time you look to a face and see a person as your fellow human, your twin warrior...without the notice of color, the query of legality, the question of nationality, or the examination of sexuality. You fight this war with every awkward glance to your exposed nursing breast. It is apparent, with every carefully researched cloth diaper you lovingly diaper your baby with and every orange-like-the-sun yolked farm-raised egg you fry; you are on the front lines.
Here, amidst a seemingly lovely community, we are close enough to freedom to choose our own choices. We are still free enough here to make the difference and initiate the revolution.
Our time is significant. Our days and years are numbered. The freedoms will dissipate one by one.
So, I call on you today, to promote peace, yes, and to be intolerant of hatreds. I call on you to remain protectors of our lovely planet and remain conscience and responsible parents to our future. But more, I call on you to become active. I call on you to organize. I call on you to initiate. You must be RADICAL! The time to live in comfort has passed us, and with that passing we have been left with a crumbling world, a revolting planet, corrupted governments, and a society blinded.

fight song

You don't suppose we'll find peace.
You dream at night that this war will never cease.
Don't you let your hope die out please.

The sun flies through the trees.
Your tears give you away.
On this bright day, bright day.

Across the ocean there's a dying man,
cradling a gun in his hand.

And he looks like you, but he's not what we're supposed to be.

Dream song

The tears will flow.
The rivers will bend...
The breaking arrow of the crashing bow
Sure as your love flutters to an end.

The thrashing bright
A killers knife
the waning, waxing in the night.
Shadows shiver
body quivers
Rising sun
death to shadows of moonlight.

Can you control anything?

Yes, we can control some things!!! Personally, my family is dedicated to living as natural of a lifestyle as possible. We cloth diaper our babies, breastfeed exclusively, eat organic and local foods, use chemical free cleaners, shampoos/conditioners, organic soaps, toothpastes, chemical free tooth brushes made from renewable and recycled ... See Morematerials. I purchase organic clothing and bedding when possible. We use NO chemicals and/or treatments on our lawn or in our garden. We compost food scraps and lawn waste. All of our personal products (baby wipes, feminine pads, mothwash, etc.) are chemical free. I stopped wearing deoderant completely and kicked my lifelong Dr. Pepper habit earlier this year. We buy all organic meats from a local farm and purchase fresh eggs and milk from a homestead up the road. Next month I am halting purchases of products made in China due to chemical and human rights concerns. We recycle avidly and our family of five (plus several full time visitors) only sends about half a garbage can to the landfill a week. I'm trying to eliminate garbage all together. We ALWAYS use re-usable bags, earth friendly light bulbs, and conserve heat, water, and electricity. This past winter we canceled our natural gas service and relied on high efficiency electric heaters. I plan on converting my home to a radiant heating system.

Lyric ♫

Curls bouncing, wrapping strands, around lips, giggling, bright smile.

Small hands reaching; for, hand to hold, baby to carry, puppy to pat.

Nose nuzzled against warm skin, pressed to breast, lovingly calling out for 'boob'.

Tummy against tummy Mommy love.

And the ever-present binkie.

Trotting in and out of rooms with different pairs of shoes. Calling for juice.

'MaMa', she calls, with loving demand.

Snuggling, bright eyed, beautiful baby love.

Sunlight creeping. Rays dance, caressing leaves on their way down, down to the bright green earth.

Paint. Splashing and prancing to canvas boards.

Wet and gulping green grass ground at our feet.

Stop to pay attention.

Make sure you listen to what you hear.

And there will be; the tiny giggles of small artists being made. Gardens growing lovely things to eat. Whispers of sisters. The painting of noses. Water jar dripping. Snip-snap, the camera catches their rosy smiles.

There is solitude here. It is our very own piece of this world. Here, we can be who we need to be. We can be free.

And they seem to grow by the second.

They are the planting of seeds. The growing of bright beautiful flowers. They are the playfully frolicking in the breeze. The serenity of all things.

With responsibility we must remember; These babies we are making will be the people we leave to do the saving.